Fear

Last week wasn't the best. And when I sat down to think about why, I realised that it all came down to fear. 

Fear of looking stupid. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failing. 

I was so frightened of things not going 100% my way, that my fear completely paralysed me and prevented me from doing, well...anything at all. 

But surely failing or looking silly is better than not even trying?  

Of course it is. This, however, is not what the fear will tell you. It'll take up residence somewhere deep and hard to reach and tell you that no, you don't need to do that big, scary thing. Wouldn't it be so much better, so much easier, just to stay here under a blanket and eat chocolate and watch Grey's Anatomy forever?  

To be honest, sometimes, I think it's fine to not do the big scary thing - but only when it isn't just fear that's holding you back.

On days when my nerves are bad, I don't force myself. I just let myself be.

Then there are the days when everything feels so murky because I'm worrying so much about what I "should" be doing, without thinking about what I actually want to do. Because I'm scared of letting people down, or letting me anxiety get the better of me. Fear, fear, fear, again. 

Have you ever thought, well, I should go out tonight because I've been working from home all day, or I haven't socialised this week? Or, I should run today because I didn't go yesterday? You can guilt yourself into it, even though actually, you quite feel like having a cosy night in, or your muscles are sore and you want to curl up with a book. There should be no guilt, because at the end of the day, you haven't done anything malicious. The world won't end even if, technically, it's not what you should be doing. 

At the end of last week, I just got a bit sick of it all; the fear and the guilt and the shoulds. I came to a conclusion, and a very simple one, at that.

To hell with "should". And to hell with "fear". The antidote to both of these things, in my mind, is simply giving less of a fuck (sorry, mum). There is only so much we can feel guilty or afraid before it just gets really, really boring. Looking silly is fine. Failing is fine. Making selfish choices is fine. You are fine.

Doesn't making a conscious choice to be happy, and just being kind to yourself, feel so much better?